A collection of real-life horsey bloopers.

Pop off....
I was riding my friend's horse Bazz when he suddenly tripped and fell. I fell off and landed on my bottom, laughing my head off but what embarrassed me the most was that Bazz wouldn't get up. He had found some nice lush green grass that he doesn't have in his paddock and it took a fair bit of urging to get him to stand up again! Another time during a lesson, I was riding a school horse called Rumpole...me and my friend were going to have a race outside along this nice strip of grass and were sitting on our horses ready to go. My instructor said "ready, set, GO!: I kicked Rumpole on and before he took off...he passed wind, scaring the peanuts out of himself! (We ended up winning by a fair bit though, hee hee......)

Jump Off
The first time I fell off was the most embarrassing but hilarious fall I ever had. I was cantering up to a jump but was off in pixie-land...my horse stopped, I went sailing over his neck and landed sitting on the jump. Just as I was about to stand up and walk away the jump collapsed beneath me, causing me to land on my backside!

A hole in one
Once when I was picking out my horse's front hoof, he tried to kick with his back feet (somehow) and I got startled, but before I could move, he turned his head around and bit my...err...bottom. He tore a hole in my joddies too, and everyone could see my underwear. It was so embarrassing, and because it was a camp, I had to stay for the whole day.

A pat on the HEAD
One time I was doing some cleaning on the inside hind legs of my daughter's horse while she was working away at the front end. I was duly removing any muck when I hear the horse break wind. Okay, no problem.....until I felt a nice warm pat on the head! My daughter was rolling on the ground laughing as there was I with a beautiful green pile of manure on my head, running down my neck and back, all warm and gooey. Yuk! DW.

The girl that flies
I fell of my horse at a local dressage day and it got caught on video. They actually measured it from the point where my horse stopped and I landed and it was 3.56m (pretty cool!) I sorta mashed my shoulder and pulverised my bones and a week later I went to my local saddle shop. A girl I knew was unpacking boxes and she said, "Did you go to that dressage day? I heard some girl fell off her horse and went heaps far!" I went quiet, she looked up and we burst out laughing. It was so funny, I even got a gift voucher out of it and lots of people gave me pressies. Around my area I'm now known as "the girl that flies".

Stone the crows!
I was at the stables where I work and I had slept over at my friend's house the night before, so had all my clothes in a plastic bag. There was a crow hanging around our bags (we all bring bags with our lunch and stuff) and I was up catching horses in the paddock when my friend ran up all breathless and said, "A crow got in your bag and your stuff is everywhere!" So I sprinted back and saw that my stuff was okay except for my fluro yellow undies, which were sitting in the middle of the lawn! I ran and picked them up and all the instructors and staff were like, "Oh, so those were yours!" I turned bright red and they won't let me forget it!

Two Tyred
My most embarrasing moment would have to be at a gymkana...my pony and I were doing barrel racing (we can usually do a time of around 12 seconds) and she wouldn't go through the finish line, which were two tyres. She refused to go through so my mum had to come and lead me out!

Waterworks
#1 A few years back my horse was having a wee and got bitten on the you-know-what by a European wasp. I walked him home, by which time it had blown up like a balloon. The Vet duly came and administered anti-histamine then gave me instructions on how to apply cream, which I had to do three times a day....much to the amusement of my neighbours! SH

#2 I had a quiet young stallion at a show which was held during the Christmas holidays next to a popular fishing and camping spot. He was tied up to the float and some kids from the camping ground were standing around patting him. He was a very relaxed character and let down to have a pee. When he peed, he sprayed the kids on BOTH sides...picture holding a finger over the end of a high pressure hose. It was very embarrassing for all concerned, although the horsey folk around thought it was a huge joke. It turned out he had a habronema (worm larvae deposited by flies during summer) which was partially obstructing things...not so funny really, but his hosing down of seven kids with one pee was the talk of the show circuit that year! CM

#3 I'll never get over mine *sigh*. I'd only had my first horse for a few weeks, when I was offered a ride on another horse. It was really hot at the time and I needed to go to the toilet. Anyways, I got on and we were doing fine, when he decided to go for a gallop. I wasn't ready and clinging to the saddle horn, while I'm peeing my pants (I REALLY needed to go see!) The horse charged through a pond, so I decided to say that me and the saddle were wet because of all the splashing water!

How not to dismount
I was at an aggie show in a breed ring with six inches of mud on the ground. My friend on the sidelines opened box of chicken biscuits, making loud noises with the plastic. I was in the middle of a workout and couldn't figure out why I had suddenly lost my pony's attention. Her ears (and mind) had zoomed in on the bikkies. I gave pony a tap with a riding stick and she let loose with three bucks, two pogo-stick bounces and one rear. I came off backwards in thick mud but kept hold of the reins. The bridle came off pony and she went...at a trot...to the bikkies. Friend walks into the ring still munching away, casual as can be with the pony following, and says, "Is this yours?"

Cool Customer
I was on my horse who was standing in the middle of a river, drinking. I'm yakking away to my friend, when all of a sudden I'm about three feet shorter and my feet are wet! I look down to find my horse quite contentedly sitting crouched like a cat in the water, still drinking, but also cooling his belly. I kicked him and he stood up, shook himself and we carried on our way!

A couple of years ago my mare bucked me off. Friend tells me I became airborne, somersaulted and landed on my feet still holding the reins. (I don't remember anything after thinking "Uh oh,...I think she's gonna buck!" )



...and check out some of the strange things horses get up to!

Hide & Go Seek....
I know that horses aren't supposed to think like humans but I had a lovely warmblood who would stand patiently and watch everything I did. But as soon as he saw me coming with the saddle he would take off and hide behind a small bush in his paddock with his face literally buried in the leaves, although the rest of his body was plainly visible. I don't know what he was thinking but he always looked very surprised when I 'found' him!

One, two...TREE!
I have two silly horses, including a 12 year old Arab mare who LOVES to grab hold of the branches on our huge pine trees. She pulls them as far down to the ground as she can, then lets them go and watches them bounce up and down. Then while they're still bobbing she tries to grab them and do it again! She'll stand there for ages doing this.

Leg-less
I have a TB mare who WILL NOT lie down at all, she barely even rolls. So during siesta time when my other two horses are lying down stretched out, Rosie will stand, legs stretched out, head down, nose nearly touching the ground to go to sleep. And slowly her knees start to buckle and then collapse meaning Rosie scares the heck out of herself. Every time. Then a few minutes later, she does it again!

Bobbing for Apples
I have a pony named Duckfoot who is a miniature chestnut with feet splayed like a duck. I live near the beach and he goes for a run there with the rest of my horses. Ash (another mini) goes knee deep in water and, well...does a poo. The little green apples went a-floating out to sea. Duckfoot loves Ash and anything to do with her, so he chases after the apples and gets hock deep, then chest deep, then wither deep. At this stage l start calling him but nope, he has developed selective hearing...he wants those apples. When he actually started swimming l had to go out and physically drag him back in. Twit!

STUCK!
One day our pony rolled next to a tree and ended up stuck with his legs in the air and his body firmly against the tree trunk. I have never seen a horse embarrassed before but he was. We couldn't stop laughing as we rolled him over.

Our thanks to the posters on the Eques Forum for 'fessing up!

Got any more bloopers? We like to include some in each issue of Horsewyse, so send them to us (we don't use names!)

© 2006 Horsewyse Magazine. Cartoon © Peta Taylor.