Money,
money, money
Horses are some of the most expensive pets you can have in Australia, apart
from maybe an exotic fire-breathing Amazonian dragon. All those expenses like
agistment, vet bills, your psychiatric bills (sigh). Meantime, boys don't
cost anywhere NEAR as much as horses to look after. You might run up a pretty
hefty phone bill but hey, what are parents for? The best thing about boys
is that you don't have to buy them new shoes every six weeks. Though judging
by the smell of most boys' sneakers, that might be a good idea!
Smell & personal hygiene
While we're on the subject of smells, let's discuss smell and personal hygiene.
As a horse-lover, don't you adore the smell of a clean stable? Hay, feed,
molasses, horses...we girls know our smells and horse smells are generally
good ones. Your brother or boyfriend might accuse you of 'smelling like a
horse' but don't worry, they're just jealous. Horses are also cool because
they don't suffocate everyone in a room with deodorant after they've been
running around. Meanwhile a boy will come in from football red-faced, sweaty
and smelling...well...not very nice. And then they try to cover it up with
about four cans of Lynx.
One of the good things about boys is they dontt roll in the mud straight after
they've had a bath. On the other hand, the good thing about horses is that
you can clean them just how you want. Your horse can be custom-designed to
suit your tastes...there's that Mr Smooth style with sleek and glossy hair,
or the scruffy look which is unclipped and woolly with dreadlocked tail and
beard. You can even do your horse's hair in rosebud plaits and ribbons and
he won't mind. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, probably would.
Their friends
Friends have the ability to convince people to do things they may not want
to do. ItŐs called 'peer pressure'. Your boyfriend may not want to pig out
and watch cricket all day Saturday with his loud, thug-like pals, but he does
anyway and actually says he had fun afterwards. Of course, you know he'd much
rather come with you to get your horse a new headcollar, or go clothes shopping
with you all day, but once more he's given in to peer pressure. Your horse's
friends have the same effect on him. They have an annoying ability of calling
your horse to join them for lunch in the paddock just when you want him for
schooling. Like your boyfriend, your horse also succumbs to the power of peer
pressure and will of course gallop up to the arena fence and hurl himself
over (with you still aboard) just for a bit of green grass and companionship
with his greatest friends in the whole world. You know your horse would really
much rather practice serpentines with you. When it comes to choosing friends,
both horses and boys have...well...no taste.
Other girls
Boys are not like us females. Unlike us, guys sometimes cannot control themselves
and wolf-whistle or eye up girls...who are not their girlfriends. Your horse
is much better than your boyfriend in this case because he doesn't eye up
every other female when he's out with you. Nor does he wolf-whistle at them.
You probably don't get jealous of all the mares your horse pervs on (at least,
I hope you don't). But you may get jealous of other female riders, especially
if you bring a new (girl)friend to meet your horse and he likes her more than
you. And when he flehmens at her...it's the last straw!
Conversation
One of the good things about a boyfriend is that when you talk to him, he
talks back. This allows you to pour out your heart and soul. One of the bad
things about a boyfriend is that when you talk to him, he talks back. This
allows you to pour out your heart and soul. One of the good things about a
horse is that when you talk to him, he can't talk back. This allows you to
pour out your heart and soul, UN-INTERRUPTED. Enough said.
How to tell when he likes you (tee hee hee)
Heck, there are countless teen magazines written almost solely on this topic.
Each magazine is the same as the last, with exactly the same information.
They say you have to look out for those 'hidden signals' which is very tiresome
after a while. If a horse likes you, you'll know it. They'd probably greet
you happily when they see you, or kiss your palm when you give them a treat.
Or bite you–I knew a horse that affectionately took small chunks out
of everyone he considered a friend. Call it a love-bite but his poor owner
was scarred for life.
Fortunately, boys do not usually bite when they like you but (sigh) there
are still all those other 'hidden signals' you have to watch out for. But
worry no more girls, for I have come up with a sure-fire way of telling if
a boy really likes you without spending a fortune on teen magazines. Simply
offer a boy a few oats from your outstretched palm and see how he reacts.
HEY PRESTO!! Just like a horse...if he takes it, he likes you. And if he thinks
you're a complete weirdo, well...you probably are.
Pecking order & maturity
factor (or lack of it)
It's natural for horses and boys to establish some sort of pecking order,
beginning from a very early age. Being king of the clan gives them a sense
of security. Most male horses are gelded when they're young so they don't
become too bossy. Therefore most geldings never experience that domineering,
macho adolescent stage. Boys, on the other hand, are generally not gelded–thus
they DO go through that stage where they feel a need to display their physical
prowess to everyone. Like, by play fighting and seeing who's DA MAN.
Just like colts, even when boys get older they still playfully tussle with
one another, turning a peaceful game of Monopoly into a fully-fledged wrestling
match. All in their never-ending quest for dominance. Shake your wise head
and leave them be. As females, we need not resort to such childish measures,
such as bashing up our best friend over who gets to be the shoe. Boys will
be boys, but girls will be women.
Conclusion
You know what? After all this, I don't think I CAN draw a conclusion that
will satisfy everyone. So I'm going to leave it up to you...because it really
depends on your viewpoint and preferences. You might disagree with everything
I've said. Horses or boys, or both? In my opinion, I have a pretty clear idea
of who wins the battle. I later rang my friend with my carefully researched
advice. And just in case you're wondering...my friend ended up going to the
show and took her boyfriend along!
© 2003 Horsewyse Magazine
